She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize