Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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