if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She's better-looking with the mask on.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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