I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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