I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
