Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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