Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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