Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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