Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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