you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
