Don't you send me to vm
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
