I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
