Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You can't just leave with hair like that
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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