i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
