Whats the glycemic index on semen?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
