he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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