I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize