I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
