party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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