the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
