Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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