I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
