so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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