I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize