Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
