I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
