Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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