A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
