Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
birth control should be required to get into college
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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