Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
