Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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