just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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