life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
