I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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