You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
