Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
