He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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