The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
