my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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