if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
