I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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