Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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