It's like God shit irony all over that family
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
