tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
