Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
