we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize