hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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