My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
