id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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