now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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