Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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