Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize