remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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