Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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