4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
