Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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