did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
