i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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