I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
