note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's blow job season.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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