haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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