I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
