Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
True strength comes from lack of pants
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
